I may have mentioned this in an earlier post, but I'm not really a fan of change. Much to my embarrassment, I have a very rigid personality on top of being stubborn. They aren't very pleasant qualities and the Lord knows how to test my obedience by forcing me to open my eyes to the real world.


I have been faced with several unexpected and difficult decisions lately, some of which break my heart. Some of them feel over my head and complicated like college. 


I am in the process of choosing between two schools while comparing prices, driving distance, and course material. Plus, I still need to look up grants. :P It's a rather important and expensive decision, so I'd rather make the right choice for what God wants me to do. (Honestly, if I had it my way, I wouldn't even go to college. I'd save my money and get a house or save up for my own little business someday.) Debt is not something I want to carry.


Anyways~

I was just thinking about the apostles and how much change their personal lives went through when Jesus asked them to follow Him. They abandoned what they were doing and followed Him just like that. They left their homes, their families, their jobs, everything. They trusted Him so deeply and yearned to know the Son of God, the Savior of the earth, that they left their lives behind them in order to create a new life through Jesus. That is so incredible and inspiring to me, but I've always wondered in the farthest corners of my mind whether I would have done the same. In my head I think, "Yeah! Who wouldn't follow Him? He's Jesus, for goodness sakes! Of course I would." But that's in my mind... in my mind I'm really awesome and brave. In reality I'm a coward.


Sometimes I feel like the rich man when Jesus asked him to sell all his things and follow Him--hesitant. I am so comfortable being with my family and pets, my job and co-workers, and my friends. I am a person of habit and planning. Some days I can be spontaneous, but often times I need to plan out what I'm doing during the week. If Jesus asked me right here, right now, "Come, leave your things and follow me?" I don't know if I could do it or not. It makes me feel so guilty and ashamed inside. Granted, it may be different if He was here in human form again, but I never know for sure. Yes, I have given my life to Christ, but I'm still at my physical home and family. 


Just now I've thought of the quote, "Home is where the heart is" and for Christians isn't "home" Jesus? So wouldn't it be more like, "Jesus is my home whom my heart will follow"? So no matter where the Lord takes me in life I would always be home, right? I wonder if that's how the apostles felt...


I think I may have slipped off topic, but those were some of my thoughts recently.


I don't want to sound hypocritical (especially after this post), but I hope that, you the reader, and I will be able to follow Jesus no matter where He calls us. :) He loves us so deeply that He wants to transform us.


Blessings,


~Twyla

Are you a control freak? Personally, I admit to being one. When a situation gets out of my control I lose my composure and stress out. I was thinking on this yesterday, and I realized everyone has a little bit of "control freak" in them even if they don't know it.

For example, when I was in Australia with my brother and Grandpa the shower in our lodgings was a little tricky. If you turned the hot water knob, it was cold. If you turned the cold water knob, it was cold. We began to wonder, "Will we only have cold showers for two weeks?" My brother, who has the great gift of thinking outside the box, tinkered around with the shower and sink. He found if you turned the hot water on in the sink and waited for it to get hot, you could turn the hot water on in the shower and it would get hot. Hurray! After my brother, I took my shower. I quickly realized I could either have a scalding hot shower or a freezing cold shower. There was no happy medium.

When I came home and took a shower, my first thought was, "Hey, now I can turn on the water to whatever temperature I want and it stays that way." That's when it hit me.

It was just a shower, yet when I couldn't control the temperature I was dissatisfied. When I could control it I was comfortable and happy. Have you ever thought of the things you like to control in your daily life? I started to. Here's couple I thought of:

Air conditioning/Heating - We keep our house and cars the temperature we like it. Goodness, what I terrible thing when it isn't.

Backseat Driving - Have you ever sat in the backseat or passenger seat and critiqued the driver's driving because it didn't suite you?

What if we lived in a world where we couldn't control anything? Would you be happy or upset? Sometimes I feel like this can be my initial reaction to God when He presents a situation I'm opposed to because it's outside of my control which in turn, is outside of my comfort zone.

He has a plan for my life, and I want in on it. But that would ruin His surprise, His blessings, for me wouldn't it? If we knew God's plan, why would we need to trust Him? I'm learning every day that God cares for my well being and He challenges me to trust in Him. I'm truly thankful. (Though, I admit in the moment it's hard to feel thankful.)

I hope my question to myself also made you think. :)

Blessings,


~Twyla